​Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Review

This book. Oh god this book. They say if it ain’t broken don’t fix it and if it’s already perfect don’t touch it. This was incredibly applicable to the world of Harry Potter. I’m not against sequels as such, but the danger of a bad sequel is that it risks ruining the original. In many ways, Harry Potter and the cursed child ruined canon and for this grave crime it cannot be forgiven. More than any other problem I had with the book, I hate that it felt kind of…pointless. We could have done without this book. It did not add to the magical world of Hogwarts, did not add depth to the characters we have loved for so many years. In this cruel sci-fi version of Harry Potter and why nobody should mess with the timeline(looking at you Barry Allen) we enter a magical world of Harry being a terrible father, Ron still being an inept idiot, Ginny being practically non existent and Hermione…who am I kidding! Even this book couldn’t ruin the literal perfection that is Hermione Granger!
Oh also, Voldy with no nose has a daughter and you can’t get a fucking text back. So there’s that. Cheers to us friendzone dumb dumbs who can’t take a hint and cheers to our creepy hag sister Bellatrix Lestrange who managed to fulfill her noseless fetish with the Dark Lord. Also, I have questions that nobody else wants to ask. What did she call him in bed?Dark Lord? Sir? Voldy? He who must not be named? Tom? Or did she just stick to Oh God? Was there pillow talk? Is there going to be a prequel called “Harry Potter and Fifty Shades of Grey” Are we going to have to hear from Bellatrix’s “inner goddess” because I swear to the dark lord the logistics of Voldy’s sex life are so much more interesting than this book. Like did he not lose his penis with his nose?(as one would assume) Did the dementors make Bellatrix loco enough to think Voldy was hot? Or plot twist is Bellatrix better than us all and value “inner beauty” the most? I need answers goddamnit!

Okay okay, that was one tangent too many. Back to the book that exists. It wasn’t all bad. Hermione is Minister of Magic, The magical community is peaceful and has healed, Draco seems kinda nice, his son is adorable and there may be a Granger-Weasley-Malfoy wedding in the future. Yeah but that’s about it. The rest is an insult. Harry’s son is whinier than dear old dad, Ron and Ginny are just kinda..there, Dumbledore is a stoner painting who keeps running away (possibly because he wanted nothing to do with this book), Harry has daddy issues he has passed on, the lessons we learned about not judging Slytherin come completely undone(which as a possible Slytherin I take great offense to), instead of being brave and having Voldemorts daughter be a good guy or a friend who goes bad, they made it pretty obvious from the very beginning that there was something off about ‘Delphi’. The ENTIRE point of the book was, no joke, how terrible it is to manipulate time and how everything happens for a reason and how the definitely not gay children(there’s quite a bit of gaybaiting though) of Harry and Draco try to save Cedric Diggory aka Edward Cullen. Basically something they most definitely covered in book 3 “Prisoner Of Azkaban” and book 4 “Goblet of Fire” Do yourself a favor and re-read that. 

Consider yourself warned. 

2/5 wands.